people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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