you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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