i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize