Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
