So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
