toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
