just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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