Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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