First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
