just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
