I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
then he tried to convert me to islam
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
