i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
