last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
