The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
