if i can run in heels then i can drive
this beer tastes like vomit already
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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