She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
