I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
