I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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