Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
