is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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