i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
