I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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