I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
