Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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