Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
