Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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