Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fuck appropriateness.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
