a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
