Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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