I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
