Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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