I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
