life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
