better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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