you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This baby is an asshole
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
