My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
soo... how was my night?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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