Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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