but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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