We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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