i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
