is your mom at the bar?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
