there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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