Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
