Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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