I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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