just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
