Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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