i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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