Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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