This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
