we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
