ADVERTISEMENT

• (760): View more from California

  I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.

  (818): View more from California

  haha i love mojitos

  (760): View more from California

  ya and i hate cabbage

  Fav 1 873 2276

  share tweet
  

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.

  Fav 41 4933 932

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.

  Fav 18 1242 3798

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

  Fav 8 2891 1273

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

  Fav 14 1035 2524

  share tweet
  

• (605): View more from South Dakota

  Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.

  Fav 4 1303 1920

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (315): View more from New York

  This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

  Fav 4 1334 763

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  you take my contact solution?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.

  Fav 4 549 953

  share tweet
  

• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote

  Fav 2 461 765

  share tweet
  

• (512): View more from Texas

  You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.

  Fav 2 481 851

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.

  Fav 1 220 574

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (540): View more from Virginia

  Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?

  Fav 0 141 136

  share tweet
  

• (561): View more from Florida

  I'm drunk and he's still weird.

  Fav 0 10 53

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  i had to flash a cab last night.

  (415): View more from California

  did it work?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.

  Fav 0 13 46

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (870): View more from Arkansas

  We're hate flirting, damnit.

  Fav 0 64 9

  share tweet
  

Randomize