Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
