wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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