I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
this is an emotional support booty call
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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