Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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